My husband and I recently discovered House MD, the series. We love it, or at least Season One, it kind of deteriorates after a while! Anyway, one of my favourite parts is Dr House’s absolute certainty that “Everybody lies.” While his brutal methods of extracting the truth makes for good TV, the unfortunate reality is that a whole lot of lying is going on in our daily lives. Bella DePaulo Ph.D, in a 1996 study, found people lie once or twice a day, almost as often as they snack from the refrigerator or brush their teeth. Scary stuff!
So what is all this lying really about? We lie for many different reasons, and it’s useful to keep in mind that not all lying is harmful. Sometimes we lie from kindness, or to protect others, and other times we lie from a vulnerable place of self preservation. We are frightened of potential consequences, or ashamed of what we have done, and so we hide the truth.
Recently someone I trusted implicitly lied to me and it was a very painful experience and if lying is affecting your relationships or hurting people around you, it may be time to take a closer look at what’s going on. Sadly, it seems easier to forgive a genuine mistake, than it is to heal the betrayal of a lie from someone you trust.
So why lie? Lying to others can be the result of self-deception. We want to be good, and believe we are; we strive for honesty and cultivate the image that we are honourable. We invest so much in this image of how we want to be, and it becomes so important to us, that it becomes more important than truth.
We see only our illusion and lose sight of our true selves. Defensiveness and self righteousness are clues that we are caught in this dynamic of self deception. If we firmly believe it is not our fault, or argue that we did the right thing, or had no choice, it is well worth investigating further.
Spend the next few days noticing how often you lie and why you do it. What is driving your behaviour? Kindness or self-preservation? Self awareness and self examination lead to self acceptance. This grounds us in reality, and helps us recognise ourselves and assess the impact our words and action are having on others. At the end of the day, it is useful to remember that both truth and lies can hurt and both should be treated with care.